welcome to thought.

I am trying to contemplate why Taylor Swift has won so many awards and has had so much success, but its hurting my brain so I'm going to stop. 

Snow fell in Nashville this weekend, and life sort of slowed down and stopped, at least for part of the time. The South is really not used to getting that much snow. Everyone closed down shop, got their bread and milk, and bunkered down for the worst. A lot of snow, but not too bad. I, however, refused to make a trip to the grocery store, and most certainly was not going to stock up on milk and bread. I always wonder why those two things are such staples for enduring bad weather. There really isn't anything in your house you could live on for a day or two? I was completely satisfied with eggs and granola, coffee and peanut butter, carrots and grapes.

This weekend has brought on a lot of thoughts about self-growth, transformation, self-belief. What is it that you or I believe about ourselves? What does it take to really believe what is true, what does it take to NOT believe the lies that I hear in my head about myself? Every year I look back and I think, 'I am different than I was a year ago', but what steps did I take to get there? I get older every year. Are the experiences that we have as life continues just bound to make us grow up and change for the better? Is there a self revelation that happens, and we take from a meaningful cue to take a better way? I know people who have influenced me for the better. I know that I am constantly being molded and shaped by my Great Creator, even when I'm at my worst. I know that I am changing, and have changed and grown for the better, but at this point I can't write down my steps to transformation on this paper. I can't calculate exactly what it takes for you to be at a place of comfort, knowing that you have reached your better self, or that I have reached my better self. Maybe its something we never reach. In fact, I can say that I will never reach my best self. That's what sanctification is. An ongoing process of growth. It sucks too. Sometimes growth just absolutely sucks. But its absolutely necessary to be able to continue through life, to mature, to build relationships. I am one that tries to take every opportunity, every experience to learn something about the world as well as myself. Even with really bad things that happen, I look back and think that it somehow made me stronger, made me better for having learned from that. I'm wondering what it takes to appreciate the aesthetic of personal pain and personal growth the moment I am going through it. Because even with all the shit that you go through and sift through, one can think that it was for the better. But what about your daily thoughts that can take you through excruciating pain? The thoughts that happen in a moments notice and essentially ruin your day, and all because it was some lie that you thought you should believe because you didn't think enough of yourself to not believe it. I can be confident, but what day will my heart believe that I AM confident. I can be beautiful, but what day will my heart believe that I am actually beautiful? I am loved, but when will I believe down to the depths of everything inside of me that I am truly and unconditionally loved? And when will I stop thinking so much about myself and begin to care for others and love them the way they need to be loved? Someone told me that when he listened to people talk, all he heard was that from one person to the next was just waiting on their turn to get their two cents in. If a person was telling a story, the next would chime in about their similar story or experience. I think we are all guilty of this. When your friend's car breaks down, what is your first reaction? Do you rehash your story about how you had to take your car to the shop and had a bad experience with the mechanic? Do you listen and follow through with what they have been going through? Do I listen? I want to change in that way. I want to think less and less of myself, even in menial conversations. And I know its going to be so hard. We are so automatic when it comes to ourselves. Its ironic I want to be the one listening and rant about it the day I start a blog. A blog just shouts ME ME ME. Its what I know best though. I need to sort through the thoughts that run in and out of my head. I need to sort through them before I say them out loud. That gets  me into trouble sometimes. But enough of what's going on in my head.