fido.

I'm sitting here at Fido and it is packed. I have a lot on my mind, but I like the distractions in the background. Waiting on Amanda to get here. When I mentioned the Enneagram, there are several layers, components to all the different numbers. Its not as simple as one description of a type, and people find the description that fits them best. Its actually pretty complex, and I don't even think that I could do it justice by trying to explain it on here. So I'll start with one part of it. 


Every number has a basic desire and basic fear.  The basic desire of a Four is to find themselves and their significance. The basic fear is that they have no identity or personal significance. A lot of times the basic fear is what drives any number to behave in a certain way. I know that when I am fearful of losing my identity or significance to other people, I withdraw from those people because I think "what can I even add to this group of people or this situation?" Its a really complicated thought process that I go through, and its really only based on what my perception is, not what people actually do or say. I have only lived in Nashville for about 9 months, but I have really been trying to get plugged in with a group of people or church. I met Gabe and his whole band before I even moved up here, and we connected so much that we started dating almost as soon as I moved up here. He has such a great group of friends and I have really grown close to that whole circle. I know that its really important to have my own group of friends as well. I guess I knew that it would be difficult to start over in a new town, a town where everyone is trying to find their place as an artist or musician or a student. Sometimes its really hard. I work full time at Vanderbilt University, and have met some really great people through that. I go to City Church, which is in east Nashville, and have met some really great people there, too. I haven't found those people that I know would stick with me through anything, but I have met some great people. I desire so much to connect with someone and have a really personal relationship with that person. I have never been one that has belonged to a big group or clique of people. And I am ok with that. I just want someone that gets me, that understands me , that accepts me no matter what mood I am in, or what I have done in the past or the present, or what I will do in the future. I have that with some people. I feel like I have that with Gabe. But I know that this can't be it. 


I have been trying to process all this for the last twelve hours or so. I think that Gabe was feeling worried that I wasn't doing anything while he is out on the road. He had a conversation with Bill, who is touring with their band, who said that his wife doesn't know what to do when he is gone on the road. So I think Gabe kind of freaked because he thought that I was going to be the same way, or maybe that I am that way already. And I understand that concern. I know that he is just worried that I won't find friends or be connected to people who are going to grow with me and challenge me and support me. I feel that maybe he feels pressure from that while he is gone. And this is the last thing I want him to feel. The person that I was with before always ALWAYS felt pressure from me, even when there wasn't anything was wrong. So my first instinct is to think that I am too much for someone. And I think that if I am too much for this one person whom I really care about, that I am really too much for anyone, and that no one is ever going to want to put up with or handle me. When I am in a relationship, I wholeheartedly give myself to this person. I am in it all the way, which has not always been the best turnout for me. But so much of that is just the way I am created. I don't know any other way to be towards that person. I guess through all of this, I don't want Gabe to feel pressure from me not having people to hang out with while he is gone. I also want him to trust that I am doing everything that I can possibly do to connect with people and be around people other than my family or whoever while he is away. I want him to know that I am not like Bill's wife. I do have things to do and people to meet and hang out with. Bill and his wife have been together for ten years, married for five or six of those. They have been together since they were so young. They are in such a different stage than Gabe and I are in. But I understand his concern. I know that he just wants the best for me. I know that I will continue to think about this and process this. I want Gabe to know that I am ok on my own, and that I am striving to obtain my goals and do the things that I want to do, whether he is here or not. I guess I have to believe it myself that I am accomplishing my goals and I that I do have significance in this world. Its harder than it sounds.