On another note, I have thought much about the season of Lent that is upon us. I am not really doing anything in particular for it, but I have always been curious about it. What does it actually mean for someone to participate in Lent? I read somewhere that Lent is the season of repenting and dying to one's self. It is supposed to represent the time that Jesus spent in the desert alone for 40 days. 40 days! I can't imagine doing any one thing for 40 days, let alone be by myself and have to abstain and fast and be in contemplative prayer. This is why God is great, and I am not. It is really interesting having social networking sites that update you on people's lives and actions every minute of the day. Many people on facebook have been writing about their Lent sacrifices or decisions. I know that these people aren't doing it for a show, or trying to prove something to the facebook world, but what is their reason behind it? I read Scripture on the beginning day of Lent that said do nothing in public, but spending time in prayer and worshipping God should be done in private. In the context of the verse (I believe it was in Matthew) it was really speaking to what the Pharisees were trying to do to show that they were pious or especially religious. Every thing they did was just for show on the outside, but many of them were spiritually dead on the inside. I think nowadays, the context for our faith is somewhat different, but the verse can still be applied in some ways. I think most people would agree with me when I say that we shouldn't be motivated to do good things or pious things or abstain from things for the attention of others. What matters is what is inside our hearts and how God has called us to that place. I want to spend this season not avoiding one thing, but avoiding myself. Dying to myself and my most selfish ways. Not the sugar that I consume or the caffeine I am addicted to, but the daily sin that I find myself in every moment of the day. This is what Lent is for me. And I pray that at the end of Lent, at the end of the year, at the end of everyday, God has supplied me with a stronger heart. A heart that is totally reliant on Him, His Son, His Spirit, His grace and forgiveness.
2.21.2010
car.
Today, I am traveling to Anniston, my hometown, to hopefully pick up my new car. I am currently driving a 1995 Toyota Avalon. It has served me well during my first driving years, but now it is a hazard and a death trap. Over the last month, I have experienced an axle breaking while driving, had my battery and alternator replaced, engine overheated and radiator replaced, flat tire that was unsalvageable, dead battery, and there lies many other things that need to be fixed with it. It is time to move on.
2.06.2010
fido.
I'm sitting here at Fido and it is packed. I have a lot on my mind, but I like the distractions in the background. Waiting on Amanda to get here. When I mentioned the Enneagram, there are several layers, components to all the different numbers. Its not as simple as one description of a type, and people find the description that fits them best. Its actually pretty complex, and I don't even think that I could do it justice by trying to explain it on here. So I'll start with one part of it.
Every number has a basic desire and basic fear. The basic desire of a Four is to find themselves and their significance. The basic fear is that they have no identity or personal significance. A lot of times the basic fear is what drives any number to behave in a certain way. I know that when I am fearful of losing my identity or significance to other people, I withdraw from those people because I think "what can I even add to this group of people or this situation?" Its a really complicated thought process that I go through, and its really only based on what my perception is, not what people actually do or say. I have only lived in Nashville for about 9 months, but I have really been trying to get plugged in with a group of people or church. I met Gabe and his whole band before I even moved up here, and we connected so much that we started dating almost as soon as I moved up here. He has such a great group of friends and I have really grown close to that whole circle. I know that its really important to have my own group of friends as well. I guess I knew that it would be difficult to start over in a new town, a town where everyone is trying to find their place as an artist or musician or a student. Sometimes its really hard. I work full time at Vanderbilt University, and have met some really great people through that. I go to City Church, which is in east Nashville, and have met some really great people there, too. I haven't found those people that I know would stick with me through anything, but I have met some great people. I desire so much to connect with someone and have a really personal relationship with that person. I have never been one that has belonged to a big group or clique of people. And I am ok with that. I just want someone that gets me, that understands me , that accepts me no matter what mood I am in, or what I have done in the past or the present, or what I will do in the future. I have that with some people. I feel like I have that with Gabe. But I know that this can't be it.
I have been trying to process all this for the last twelve hours or so. I think that Gabe was feeling worried that I wasn't doing anything while he is out on the road. He had a conversation with Bill, who is touring with their band, who said that his wife doesn't know what to do when he is gone on the road. So I think Gabe kind of freaked because he thought that I was going to be the same way, or maybe that I am that way already. And I understand that concern. I know that he is just worried that I won't find friends or be connected to people who are going to grow with me and challenge me and support me. I feel that maybe he feels pressure from that while he is gone. And this is the last thing I want him to feel. The person that I was with before always ALWAYS felt pressure from me, even when there wasn't anything was wrong. So my first instinct is to think that I am too much for someone. And I think that if I am too much for this one person whom I really care about, that I am really too much for anyone, and that no one is ever going to want to put up with or handle me. When I am in a relationship, I wholeheartedly give myself to this person. I am in it all the way, which has not always been the best turnout for me. But so much of that is just the way I am created. I don't know any other way to be towards that person. I guess through all of this, I don't want Gabe to feel pressure from me not having people to hang out with while he is gone. I also want him to trust that I am doing everything that I can possibly do to connect with people and be around people other than my family or whoever while he is away. I want him to know that I am not like Bill's wife. I do have things to do and people to meet and hang out with. Bill and his wife have been together for ten years, married for five or six of those. They have been together since they were so young. They are in such a different stage than Gabe and I are in. But I understand his concern. I know that he just wants the best for me. I know that I will continue to think about this and process this. I want Gabe to know that I am ok on my own, and that I am striving to obtain my goals and do the things that I want to do, whether he is here or not. I guess I have to believe it myself that I am accomplishing my goals and I that I do have significance in this world. Its harder than it sounds.
Every number has a basic desire and basic fear. The basic desire of a Four is to find themselves and their significance. The basic fear is that they have no identity or personal significance. A lot of times the basic fear is what drives any number to behave in a certain way. I know that when I am fearful of losing my identity or significance to other people, I withdraw from those people because I think "what can I even add to this group of people or this situation?" Its a really complicated thought process that I go through, and its really only based on what my perception is, not what people actually do or say. I have only lived in Nashville for about 9 months, but I have really been trying to get plugged in with a group of people or church. I met Gabe and his whole band before I even moved up here, and we connected so much that we started dating almost as soon as I moved up here. He has such a great group of friends and I have really grown close to that whole circle. I know that its really important to have my own group of friends as well. I guess I knew that it would be difficult to start over in a new town, a town where everyone is trying to find their place as an artist or musician or a student. Sometimes its really hard. I work full time at Vanderbilt University, and have met some really great people through that. I go to City Church, which is in east Nashville, and have met some really great people there, too. I haven't found those people that I know would stick with me through anything, but I have met some great people. I desire so much to connect with someone and have a really personal relationship with that person. I have never been one that has belonged to a big group or clique of people. And I am ok with that. I just want someone that gets me, that understands me , that accepts me no matter what mood I am in, or what I have done in the past or the present, or what I will do in the future. I have that with some people. I feel like I have that with Gabe. But I know that this can't be it.
I have been trying to process all this for the last twelve hours or so. I think that Gabe was feeling worried that I wasn't doing anything while he is out on the road. He had a conversation with Bill, who is touring with their band, who said that his wife doesn't know what to do when he is gone on the road. So I think Gabe kind of freaked because he thought that I was going to be the same way, or maybe that I am that way already. And I understand that concern. I know that he is just worried that I won't find friends or be connected to people who are going to grow with me and challenge me and support me. I feel that maybe he feels pressure from that while he is gone. And this is the last thing I want him to feel. The person that I was with before always ALWAYS felt pressure from me, even when there wasn't anything was wrong. So my first instinct is to think that I am too much for someone. And I think that if I am too much for this one person whom I really care about, that I am really too much for anyone, and that no one is ever going to want to put up with or handle me. When I am in a relationship, I wholeheartedly give myself to this person. I am in it all the way, which has not always been the best turnout for me. But so much of that is just the way I am created. I don't know any other way to be towards that person. I guess through all of this, I don't want Gabe to feel pressure from me not having people to hang out with while he is gone. I also want him to trust that I am doing everything that I can possibly do to connect with people and be around people other than my family or whoever while he is away. I want him to know that I am not like Bill's wife. I do have things to do and people to meet and hang out with. Bill and his wife have been together for ten years, married for five or six of those. They have been together since they were so young. They are in such a different stage than Gabe and I are in. But I understand his concern. I know that he just wants the best for me. I know that I will continue to think about this and process this. I want Gabe to know that I am ok on my own, and that I am striving to obtain my goals and do the things that I want to do, whether he is here or not. I guess I have to believe it myself that I am accomplishing my goals and I that I do have significance in this world. Its harder than it sounds.
2.05.2010
enneathought
so i get these emails called enneathoughts based on my number on the enneagram. if you're not sure what this is, check out enneagraminstitute.com or enneagramcentral.com. you can take a test to determine which personality type you embody the most.
i know what people say and think about personality tests and types. but if you are looking for personal growth and better understanding of yourself, it really is a great tool.
anyways...
so these enneathoughts basically give you a tip or something to contemplate for the day that has to do with your tendencies, weaknesses, strengths, you get the picture. my type four (4) in brief, over stereotyped summary is this:
Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.
so taking this in, here are some of the thoughts i get on a daily basis.
- what would it be like to let go of being moody and express your higher qualities of being emotionally strong and playful today? take away note: STOP BEING MOODY
- remember that envy (the passion of the four) causes them to see everyone as stable and normal while feeling that they alone are flawed or, at best, unfinished. watch for this tendency in yourself today. take away note: STOP BEING ENVIOUS
- here's a good one: embrace these healing attitudes today - maybe there's nothing wrong with me. maybe others do understand me and are supporting me.
as funny or silly as these things may be, a lot of them actually help in my day to day growth. its one of the first emails i read in the morning, and can be pretty eye opening. i need an email that tells me to stop reading these thoughts and read a Bible verse to start my day off right.
i know what people say and think about personality tests and types. but if you are looking for personal growth and better understanding of yourself, it really is a great tool.
anyways...
so these enneathoughts basically give you a tip or something to contemplate for the day that has to do with your tendencies, weaknesses, strengths, you get the picture. my type four (4) in brief, over stereotyped summary is this:
Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.
so taking this in, here are some of the thoughts i get on a daily basis.
- what would it be like to let go of being moody and express your higher qualities of being emotionally strong and playful today? take away note: STOP BEING MOODY
- remember that envy (the passion of the four) causes them to see everyone as stable and normal while feeling that they alone are flawed or, at best, unfinished. watch for this tendency in yourself today. take away note: STOP BEING ENVIOUS
- here's a good one: embrace these healing attitudes today - maybe there's nothing wrong with me. maybe others do understand me and are supporting me.
as funny or silly as these things may be, a lot of them actually help in my day to day growth. its one of the first emails i read in the morning, and can be pretty eye opening. i need an email that tells me to stop reading these thoughts and read a Bible verse to start my day off right.
1.30.2010
welcome to thought.
I am trying to contemplate why Taylor Swift has won so many awards and has had so much success, but its hurting my brain so I'm going to stop.
Snow fell in Nashville this weekend, and life sort of slowed down and stopped, at least for part of the time. The South is really not used to getting that much snow. Everyone closed down shop, got their bread and milk, and bunkered down for the worst. A lot of snow, but not too bad. I, however, refused to make a trip to the grocery store, and most certainly was not going to stock up on milk and bread. I always wonder why those two things are such staples for enduring bad weather. There really isn't anything in your house you could live on for a day or two? I was completely satisfied with eggs and granola, coffee and peanut butter, carrots and grapes.
This weekend has brought on a lot of thoughts about self-growth, transformation, self-belief. What is it that you or I believe about ourselves? What does it take to really believe what is true, what does it take to NOT believe the lies that I hear in my head about myself? Every year I look back and I think, 'I am different than I was a year ago', but what steps did I take to get there? I get older every year. Are the experiences that we have as life continues just bound to make us grow up and change for the better? Is there a self revelation that happens, and we take from a meaningful cue to take a better way? I know people who have influenced me for the better. I know that I am constantly being molded and shaped by my Great Creator, even when I'm at my worst. I know that I am changing, and have changed and grown for the better, but at this point I can't write down my steps to transformation on this paper. I can't calculate exactly what it takes for you to be at a place of comfort, knowing that you have reached your better self, or that I have reached my better self. Maybe its something we never reach. In fact, I can say that I will never reach my best self. That's what sanctification is. An ongoing process of growth. It sucks too. Sometimes growth just absolutely sucks. But its absolutely necessary to be able to continue through life, to mature, to build relationships. I am one that tries to take every opportunity, every experience to learn something about the world as well as myself. Even with really bad things that happen, I look back and think that it somehow made me stronger, made me better for having learned from that. I'm wondering what it takes to appreciate the aesthetic of personal pain and personal growth the moment I am going through it. Because even with all the shit that you go through and sift through, one can think that it was for the better. But what about your daily thoughts that can take you through excruciating pain? The thoughts that happen in a moments notice and essentially ruin your day, and all because it was some lie that you thought you should believe because you didn't think enough of yourself to not believe it. I can be confident, but what day will my heart believe that I AM confident. I can be beautiful, but what day will my heart believe that I am actually beautiful? I am loved, but when will I believe down to the depths of everything inside of me that I am truly and unconditionally loved? And when will I stop thinking so much about myself and begin to care for others and love them the way they need to be loved? Someone told me that when he listened to people talk, all he heard was that from one person to the next was just waiting on their turn to get their two cents in. If a person was telling a story, the next would chime in about their similar story or experience. I think we are all guilty of this. When your friend's car breaks down, what is your first reaction? Do you rehash your story about how you had to take your car to the shop and had a bad experience with the mechanic? Do you listen and follow through with what they have been going through? Do I listen? I want to change in that way. I want to think less and less of myself, even in menial conversations. And I know its going to be so hard. We are so automatic when it comes to ourselves. Its ironic I want to be the one listening and rant about it the day I start a blog. A blog just shouts ME ME ME. Its what I know best though. I need to sort through the thoughts that run in and out of my head. I need to sort through them before I say them out loud. That gets me into trouble sometimes. But enough of what's going on in my head.
Snow fell in Nashville this weekend, and life sort of slowed down and stopped, at least for part of the time. The South is really not used to getting that much snow. Everyone closed down shop, got their bread and milk, and bunkered down for the worst. A lot of snow, but not too bad. I, however, refused to make a trip to the grocery store, and most certainly was not going to stock up on milk and bread. I always wonder why those two things are such staples for enduring bad weather. There really isn't anything in your house you could live on for a day or two? I was completely satisfied with eggs and granola, coffee and peanut butter, carrots and grapes.
This weekend has brought on a lot of thoughts about self-growth, transformation, self-belief. What is it that you or I believe about ourselves? What does it take to really believe what is true, what does it take to NOT believe the lies that I hear in my head about myself? Every year I look back and I think, 'I am different than I was a year ago', but what steps did I take to get there? I get older every year. Are the experiences that we have as life continues just bound to make us grow up and change for the better? Is there a self revelation that happens, and we take from a meaningful cue to take a better way? I know people who have influenced me for the better. I know that I am constantly being molded and shaped by my Great Creator, even when I'm at my worst. I know that I am changing, and have changed and grown for the better, but at this point I can't write down my steps to transformation on this paper. I can't calculate exactly what it takes for you to be at a place of comfort, knowing that you have reached your better self, or that I have reached my better self. Maybe its something we never reach. In fact, I can say that I will never reach my best self. That's what sanctification is. An ongoing process of growth. It sucks too. Sometimes growth just absolutely sucks. But its absolutely necessary to be able to continue through life, to mature, to build relationships. I am one that tries to take every opportunity, every experience to learn something about the world as well as myself. Even with really bad things that happen, I look back and think that it somehow made me stronger, made me better for having learned from that. I'm wondering what it takes to appreciate the aesthetic of personal pain and personal growth the moment I am going through it. Because even with all the shit that you go through and sift through, one can think that it was for the better. But what about your daily thoughts that can take you through excruciating pain? The thoughts that happen in a moments notice and essentially ruin your day, and all because it was some lie that you thought you should believe because you didn't think enough of yourself to not believe it. I can be confident, but what day will my heart believe that I AM confident. I can be beautiful, but what day will my heart believe that I am actually beautiful? I am loved, but when will I believe down to the depths of everything inside of me that I am truly and unconditionally loved? And when will I stop thinking so much about myself and begin to care for others and love them the way they need to be loved? Someone told me that when he listened to people talk, all he heard was that from one person to the next was just waiting on their turn to get their two cents in. If a person was telling a story, the next would chime in about their similar story or experience. I think we are all guilty of this. When your friend's car breaks down, what is your first reaction? Do you rehash your story about how you had to take your car to the shop and had a bad experience with the mechanic? Do you listen and follow through with what they have been going through? Do I listen? I want to change in that way. I want to think less and less of myself, even in menial conversations. And I know its going to be so hard. We are so automatic when it comes to ourselves. Its ironic I want to be the one listening and rant about it the day I start a blog. A blog just shouts ME ME ME. Its what I know best though. I need to sort through the thoughts that run in and out of my head. I need to sort through them before I say them out loud. That gets me into trouble sometimes. But enough of what's going on in my head.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
